Anatomy 101
by vacant houses
Summary: One-shot. Crack. Donatello has had enough. Everyone else is thoroughly traumatized. Warning: biology rant and utter insanity.


TMNT= Not Mine

Because I'm a biology student and things like this cause me actual pain. I blame TT, Winnychan and Kameterra. And Eastman and IDW.

* * *

"No. No. No. No. No!"

Donatello was a turtle with an unnecessarily large vocabulary. It was only in the most extreme of circumstances that he was reduced to mindlessly repeating a single word. Those circumstances were end of the world scenarios, zombie outbreaks and when the microwave oven died. Or so Michelangelo claimed.

This was not one of them. This was a routine ambush by a couple of Foot soldiers and the turtles were winning. Therefore, Donatello's brothers immediately began to fight their way towards him. Evidently, Something had gone Wrong.

"I can't believe this," Don said as they joined him by his side.

The turtle had stopped fighting and was in fact pacing impatiently, tossing his bo staff from hand to hand. Leonardo observed this behaviour for approximately half a second, then took a step forward to intervene and get his brother back on track with the honourable business of beating up men dressed in black pyjamas.

Donatello swung round. He had his nerd rage face on. Leonardo courageously shrank back. Michelangelo took cover behind his brother's shell. Raphael dodged an oncoming sword, stabbed the unfortunate ninja then hauled his body up as a meat shield.

"Look at that," Donatello said, gesturing to a particular enemy on the battlefield.

Alopex, a mutant snow fox and Don's current subject of interest, snarled at him. "The purple one is distracted. Kill him!" she cried.

"Oh honestly," Don sighed, taking down four approaching Foot soldiers with a few well-placed shurikens. "Look at you. What the hell went wrong with your mutation? Why do you have breasts?"

The busty mutant actually stumbled and was almost eviscerated by Leonardo. "What?" she screeched.

Michelangelo giggled as he performed a deadly split kick. "Come on bro! It's simple. When a girl mutant goes through puberty, her body undergoes some mysterious changes. There's like, hormones, and, and the curse, and-say do mutant foxes have periods?"

Don shot his brother an unamused look. "Don't be stupid Mikey. Menstruation is limited to primates. There is no reason for Alopex to have a period. Nor is there any reason for her to have _breasts_."

The surrounding Foot ninja slowly backed away as they shot their mutant leader uncertain glances. Most of them had not had a formal education and this sounded suspiciously like learning. They were allergic to knowledge in all forms except that of the martial arts.

"Dude, there is a time and place," Mikey replied. "We discuss the bodies of the hot evil ninja chicks _after_ the battle. Not in front of them so they can claw our faces off."

Alopex looked like she was contemplating murdering them both. And then resurrecting them so she could repeat the process. And again and again. To be fair, that was how she normally looked, when not pretending to be an innocent waif on the run from mad scientists.

"Your deaths will be painful, reptiles," she promised, "Very painful."

She was ignored.

"You don't understand," Don defended himself hotly.

"Why are you so hung up on her boobs?" Raph asking from where he'd settled on a Foot ninja corpse. He idly cleaned his teeth with one sai. Evidently they were going to be here for a while. "I thought you've seen plenty of furries on your online games."

Donatello grimaced. "What? No!" he said indignantly. His brothers levelled deadpan looks at him. "Shut up," he muttered sullenly. "Look. This is the way things should work," –he shifted to his science tone now- "If you're a mutant and you start of as a reptile, you don't get breasts. Ever. Unless someone deliberately goes and inserts those genes in you for whatever sick reason that lurks within their mind. Now then, if you were mutated from a mammal and you are not from the primate order, you should have a double row of nipples down your abdomen. But uh, not full breasts because that would be creepy."

All combatants turned their horrified eyes to the mutant in question. The image that Donatello had presented would forever be etched inside their minds and no amount of brain bleach would ever remove it.

"Splinter might find you attractive though," Donatello mused aloud to himself. "Rats have multiple nipples after all."

Michelangelo whimpered. "Someone stop him from talking. Please!"

"Death," Alopex seethed, "Will be too good for you."

Don frowned to himself in thought. "Although…" he pondered out loud, "Elephants do have anterior breasts and they aren't primates. I wonder what an elephant mutant will look like."

It was at this point Leonardo knocked his brother unconscious and dragged him away to the sewers. He then organised a witch-hunt for Donatello's biology textbooks. The books were burnt and sanity was restored.

Alopex however was not seen again.

* * *

A/N: Alopex is not my character. She is in fact a canon Sue created by Eastman in the IDW comics. Raphael encounters her when she is being chased by a bunch of thugs. She gives a tragic sob story of being raised in a lab, being experimented on and then escaping and being on the run ever since. Raphael twigs on eventually that she's trained as a ninja and is later revealed to be working for the Foot. *Yawn* Sound familiar?

I still have no idea why her having breasts irritated me to point of an actual nerd rant when there are plenty of other characters with the same fault but it did.


End file.
